Well, it happened. I received a car buying request so complicated, so odd in so many ways, that I was simply not able to help. I consider myself pretty good at this finding cars for people, but I’m accepting defeat on this one. So I’m turning the challenge over to you.

My job is to help people buy cars for a living. Normally, when someone contacts me and is at a loss for what to buy, I send them a survey. I’m rather proud of this tool and it has enabled me to present a few options tailored for that specific customer and his or her circumstances. Sometimes I put cars on their radar that they have not yet considered, other times that aren’t a good fit for a variety of reasons.

I make a living helping people with their car purchases. A lot of times, that means telling people…

The other night I received a note from a client who found my survey “too limiting” and sent me an attachment with the following wish list. Here’s what he needs:

VERY quiet interiorSonar parking sensors front and rear (beeping)

Manual or, failing that, GOOD automatic transmissionMinimalist stylish (not gaudy!) interiorAnalog controls for key controls, including climate, radioComfortable space for 5 for long journeys, including 4 adults, 2 of them tallCloth seatsUSB outletBluetoothGood all-around visibility (without resorting to rearview cams)Reasonable reliabilityVery good safety, especially for back/rear rowsPowerful A/CGood LED inside lightingHave inside climate “zones”Temperature displays switchable to Celsius

Manual parking brakeAnalog ignition keyTight, responsive steeringSunroof, especially panoramic oneOld-fashioned, boxy stylingPower outletHeated seats and mirrorsGood, but graduated braking (rather than “snappy”)Built-in frontal “dash-cam” (do these even exist?)Remote startModel be a number (rather than silly name)

BrandsSportinessPowerAll-roadFuel consumption

Be a MercedesHave an offensive, compensatory name like “Esteem”, “Rogue”, “Outback” or “Marauder” (I don’t have a low self-esteem, I’m not a crocodile Dandy or dream of plunging a trench-knife into somebody.) Highlander is pretty much there too.Have gaudy, Fisher-Price style interior (chrome, gloss, glitz, colors)Have driver “aides” like blind-spot detection/ lane departure/collision warning/ voice control/ etc.Have DRL that cannot be turned offHave idle engine start/stop that cannot be turned offHave unbuckled belt beeping that cannot be turned offHave a touchscreen, especially for key functionsHave any “entertainment” in backBe “connected” car, provide internet, etc.Have plastic bumpers

Leather seatsAny screensRearview camera“Black box” snitchingCruise controlNavigator

:

Price: up to $50,000, but would not mind something much cheaper if it’s quiet, has inoffensive interior and we can install aftermarket parking assist sonar “beepers”What do you think of aftermarket installers of sound insulation and parking assist sonar “beepers”.The car will mostly be used as to commute, shuttle kids and long journeys to NH/ME.When I wrote about “good auto transmission” I meant something smooth and responsive. I drove Mazda CX-9 2016 and found its tranny to be jerky and unpredictable. And it’s no BMW, to put it very politely, despite what some press hacks write.The candidates are Volvo V90 or XC90 (if could be rid of start-stop and can be had with 3rd row, but no leather) OR Mazda 5 manual (if it can be noise insulated and have park sensors installed). If the latter is true, I don’t need the Volvo at 2.5x the price. I don’t need to impress anyone with my car.I learned to drive on an old truck and Citroen 2CV, neither had power steering, power breaks or clutch synchro.I dislike “prestigious” cars and cars with names – these are almost mutually exclusive.

In fairness, this person does realize that compromises will need to be made and that no such vehicle exists that adheres exactly to this list. (Probably?) I can sympathize with him, I went through my when choosing my next ride.

“What car should I buy?” As enthusiasts, we get this question all the time. Everyday I help people…

Currently, I lack the time and the resources necessary to fulfill this request. However, since Jalopnik is the most diverse, knowledgeable, and helpful car community on the web, I can think of no better group of car nuts to solve this puzzle.

What car should this guy buy?