Often while I’m out driving, minding my own business, I’ll see a burning mattress mounted on some bicycle wheels that gets pushed in front of my car, blocking my progress. Then, I’ll be accosted by a crowd of people who will drag me out of my car window, pin me to a wall, and demand I provide them with names for fictional spaceships or conventional naval vessels. Usually, they want names that are perhaps a bit offensive to famous people, or just a bit off-putting. I always try my best, and, in an effort to minimize the burning mattresses I encounter, I’d like to provide everyone with such a list of vessel names. Sound good?

These names should work equally well for spacecraft or ocean-going naval vessels in your stories, screenplays, personal reveries, or video game sagas. Some have been specified as spacecraft or ocean vessels, but most should be interchangable.

I’ve tried to organize them into categories, so that you may more easily find the sort of vessel name that suits you. I usually like to give the vessels a name, and then name the larger class of vessel it belongs to, along with a simple description of the vessel type.

Vessels Named For Celebrities With A Slightly Offensive Reference To Other Celebrities They Always Get Mixed Up With:

USS Prudhomme, a Deluise-class heavy cruiser

USS Busey, a Nolte-class warship

USS Paxton, a Pullman-class frigate

HMS Knightly, a Portman-class fast attack ship

Vessels Named For Contrast-Based Jokes, Sometimes At The Expense Of A Person

USS Nathan Lane, a Murder-class destroyer

HMS Disembowler, a Cuddle-class loveship

USS Tila Tequila, a Sanity-class research vessel

AOT Greta Thunberg, a Careless-class oil tanker

HMS Boris Johnson, a Groomed-class hospital ship

Just Brutal Or Crude

USS Stephen Miller, a Fucknut-class sewage tanker

SS Martin Shkreli, a Shitstain-class gunnery target

USS Lena Dunham, an Insufferable-class barge

USS Elon Musk, an Insecure-class orbital self-aggrandizement platform

SS Chevy Vega, an artificial reef

Now These Are Just Stupid

USS Sudsy Monkey, a Maytag-class heavily armed laundry ship

HMS Tenderarea, an Infected-class submersible

SS Wildfire, an Equus-class high-speed horse transport spacecraft

USS Floatygiggle, a Chucklenub-class high-security clown prison ship

CSS Dampdiapers, a Pampers-class waste management submarine