I feel like many times when I meet someone new, after a few moments of talking to me, their most lasting impression is amazement that I’m permitted to use implements like forks without a colossal amount of supervision. This could be related to why I find certain things funny, like the improper use of ordinal numbers in . You know, things like seeing 1nd (firnd) or 3st (thirst) instead of 1st (first) or 3rd (third). I don’t know why this cracks me up, but it does.

Anyway, just because these stupid things crack me up, and I wouldn’t stop typing 5st and 7rd in Slack, it was suggested maybe I could make some shift knobs with this sort of crap on them. That’s a great idea!

I mean, I get that almost no shift knobs have 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc.—they just have numbers—but still.

So, just in the off, off chance you find this bullshit as amusing as I do, here’s some graphics you could, hypothetically, print onto some manner of durable decal and use as your very own shift knob pattern!

Here’s one for you archaic four-speed drivers:

...and, why not, one for Beetle/old air-cooled Porsche layouts with reverse by seconerd, too:

I think this five-speed layout is the most common type:

A six-speed one for you modern bigshots:

...and another six-speed:

And, since we’re Jalopnik, after all, a three-speed one:

There you go. Maybe someone will actually use one of these? Maybe you can be the firth one of your friends to have one and start a trend!