Wouldn’t you know it, I wake up this morning and hear the servants whispering to each other about this so-called covid-19 virus. It’s a pandemic, they say. This is so fucking inconvenient. I had a lot of important shit planned this quarter.

So what do I have to do now? I have to go into hiding. There’s no other option. Go into quarantine, lock it all down, and wait for this thing to blow over. The trick here is to outlive either the virus or humanity, whichever goes first. And then emerge to sweep up the resources left behind. Profit from the shattered economy. Textbook stuff. This is by no means a roadblock. It’s just a bump. Thanks for the concern, though! You’re so sweet.

By the way, there will be no “” over this shit, I don’t care what the tech clowns tell you. Are you fucking kidding me? Mars? There’s no staff up there, geniuses! You’re telling me you’d rather shoot yourself off to a faraway planet just to do your own landscaping? That’s your big dream? If that’s the case, be my guest but please leave the oxygen supply behind when you go.

No, I’ve been busy all day (not that you’d know what that’s like, you indolent cur) packing and preparing supplies and putting my affairs in order—making sure various properties are locked down, Swiss accounts are healthy, “elected” officials blackmailed. The usual.

I won’t disclose my location, of course, but rest assured that it’s a I had commissioned exactly for situations such as these. (The shack pictured above is just an example. I wouldn’t post a real photo, and besides that, mine is much bigger.) When you have a lot of enemies, always be ready to go at a moment’s notice. You can have that piece of advice for free.

Just the packing list left to consult now. In times such as these, it’s important to stick to the basics:

1,000 gold bars (obviously)1,000 platinum bars1,000 silver barPet ostrichPet white rhinocerosPet crocodilePet snow leopardPet golden eaglePet Siberian tigerPet African elephantPet anacondaPet great white shark Pet whale sharkPet condorPet polar bearPet Bornean orangutan17,000 cases of DomTuesday private jetSaturday private jet14 pairs of Gucci slides14 Rolls-Royce Phantoms (to match)Black marble massage tableDiamond crystal-infused water bottle50 kilgrams beluga caviarSteinway concert grand piano (the emerald inlaid one)4,287-piece handbag collection (earth tones only, nobody should be flaunting flashy colors during a lockdown)Personal submarine2 bluefin tunaMichaelangelo’s “David”Collapsable tennis court DestroyerIguanacolossus fossilCloning labHydraulic pressMing Dynasty ceramic setCalifornia king dove feather mattressVolcanic rock soaking tub800 kilograms of rosewater bath mix87 silk robesLoose rubies (for pedicures)14 bottles Pappy Van Winkle (23-Year-Old)Patek Phillippe collection50 kilograms cocainePolished silver personal grooming kitArabian horseStaff to Arabian horse3 tanks4 APCsArmored trencher machine1,500 sticks of dynamiteGunsAmmunitionBlades (don’t need reloading; this is wisdom gleaned from Max Brooks)Shoe polishersMedical staffSushi chefsLandscapersCrepe-makersHairdressers4 retired Mossad assassins Sommeliers Manicurist Bartender

That should cover the bare necessities.

I’m also forcing all staff to abide by an 18-foot minimum social distance. I know the recommended amount is six feet, but I’m at least three times as important as you. Everyone who enters my orbit must do so in a hazmat suit, the filthy scum.

My fellow superyacht owners, fleeing to open waters in the hope of outrunning the virus, are finding there’s a shortage. . This is what happens when you don’t adequately plan. This is what happens when you don’t pack the basics. Every bug out kit needs an accompanying medical staff! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Now more than ever, it’s clear that money can buy a great many things, but it will never buy nor good sense. Good riddance to that.

I see the rest of the plebeian imbeciles out there, raiding grocery stores, hoarding all the toilet paper and canned goods for themselves. Utter fools, the lot of them, with no survival sense whatsoever. When all the world falls to shit, the only thing that matters is who’s got the most precious metals and the biggest gun.

Let them tear themselves apart. I’ll be waiting.