Today, Rolls-Royce officially announced the Black Badge version of its hyper-luxury SUV, the . Rolls-Royce’s Black Badge line is, as the company puts it, “a darker image that defines the taste of a younger generation of luxury consumer.” It’s also woefully inadequate in many ways.

Before that, though, you should hear what Torsten Müller-Ötvös, CEO of Rolls-Royce and umlaut enthusiast, says about this Black Badge line:

Black Badge reflects the desires of a distinct group of Rolls-Royce clients: men and women who take risks, break rules and build success on their own terms. The time has come for Rolls-Royce’s boldest and darkest expression of Black Badge yet. The King of the Night, Black Badge Cullinan.

? Maybe a bad example.

Here’s ten ways this thing falls severely short of the mark, and why you’re better off spending your on a fleet of Lada Nivas and finely restored AMC Matadors:

1. The turn indicator stalk is dangerously unpadded

You could break your finger on one of those hard plastic things.

This is an invitation for severe frostbite. When exposed to, say, the vacuum of space, those surfaces can drop in temperature to nearly zero degrees Kelvin.

They’re just cylindrical holes! What the hell is this thing, a Hyundai Santa Fe?

Why should you have to be responsible for illuminating everything in front of you? Objects should be forced to glow for you. You’re the King of the Goddamn Night.

...which means those brake calipers have zero heritage or history, and are, as a result, garbage.

It’s not a night sky at all! It’s some off-strip Vegas bathroom-ceiling-grade trick! What the fuck?

That’s what, about 88 HP per liter? A Honda Civic Type R makes about 153 HP per liter. Way to phone it in, guys. Besides, I can’t get out of bed for less than 1,000 HP.

8. There’s no humidifier or humidor or anything and all of the dash instruments just use regular old letters and numerals instead of something more exclusive and better.

That’s more than one, but I don’t care anymore. I’m too angry.

I know. I’ve tried.

Save your money, people.

(And yes, I’m enrolled in ’s Training Academy of Superiority via Resources.)