The Five Hundred is exactly what middle America needs: an old school Yank tank with reasonable gas mileage and laudable safety. If you re in the cop or carriage trade, or have a wife whose idea of packing light squares with Joan Collins , the Five Hundred s cavernous trunk will whale your Jonahs with ease. And the Five Hundred s all-wheel-drive option ($1700) may do nothing for the barge s handling, but it s snow joke for cold climate commuters.

Because you have a pulse.

· Speed Merchants: No

· Fashion Victims: No

· Treehuggers: No

· Mack Daddies: No

· Tuner Crowd: No

· Hairdressers: No

· Penny Pinchers:

· Euro Snobs: No

· Working Stiffs:

· Technogeeks: No

· Poseurs: No

· Soccer Moms: No

· Nascar Dads: No

· Golfing Grandparents:

· Manufacturer: The Blue Oval Boys

· Model tested: Five Hundred Limited AWD

· Model year: 2006

· Price as Tested: $27,930

· Engine type: 3.0L 4V Duratec 30 V6

· Horsepower: 203hp @ 5750 rpm

· Torque: 207 ft.-lbs. @ 4500 rpm

· Redline: 5800 rpm

· Wheels and Tires: Pirelli P6 Four Seasons, P225/55R-18 97T M+S

· Drive type: AWD

· 0 - 60: 8.0 secs.

· 1/4 mile: 16.3 sec @ 88 mph

· Top speed: 112 [governor limited]

· Fuel economy city/highway: 19/26

· NHTSA crash test rating front/side/rollover: 5/5/4

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