If you were on a commercial flight, and your captain and copilot fell ill, could you land the plane? You but according to , , and , your only hope to actually pull it off lies with your radio. Get someone to talk you down, and maybe — just maybe — you have a shot.

That’s you, though. I could totally do it. I’m built different.

Do I have any experience flying a plane? Not really, no. I got really into the Google Earth flight simulator one summer as a kid, and I played around with X-Plane a bit on a friend’s laptop, but that’s about it. I’ve never used an actual yoke and throttle setup, and I can only actually recall one successful landing atop my childhood home in Google Earth.

What I lack in experience, however, I make up for with wholly unearned confidence in my ability to fly a plane. I mean, think about it: the wings do the hard part, generating lift with their airfoil shape. All I have to do is keep air flowing over them. And then, y’know, land it.

I do know some of the tricks, however, which will help me masterfully perform my next emergency landing. I know there are lights on the sides of the runway, and that they should be red on top and white on the bottom (“Red over white, you’re alright; red over red, you’re dead”). I learned that one from my seventh-grade math teacher, who will get some of the credit when I save the lives of a 737-load of travelers.

I’m realistic, though. I know that I’d need someone on the radio to explain the plane’s controls, and that I’d likely fuck up the landing gear something fierce. But, the actual act of guiding a plane down? I got this. Put me in, coach.