HELLO, THERE. I AM SORRY IF I AM SPEAKING A BIT MORE LOUDLY THAN NORMAL. IT IS JUST THAT I HAVE BEEN ENJOYING A NEW MERCEDES-AMG FEATURE, YOU SEE. IT’S CALLED EMOTION START AND IT MAKES YOUR EXHAUST LOUDER ON STARTUP. HEY, IS THAT YOUR PHONE RINGING?

I USED TO COMPLAIN HEAVILY THAT AMG CARS WERE NOT LOUD ENOUGH. NOT LOUD ENOUGH FOR MY DEAD AND ROTTED HEART TO FEEL ANYTHING, ANYWAY. BUT NOW THAT EMOTION START IS A STANDARD FEATURE ON ALL NEW AMG MODELS, I AM ALL AFLUTTER.

BASICALLY, EMOTION START IS A STARTUP SEQUENCE THAT STARTS YOUR AMG WITH ITS EXHAUST VALVES OPEN AND AUTOMATICALLY REVS THE ENGINE AN EXTRA COUPLE OF HUNDRED RPMS, ACCORDING TO . HAVE YOU EVER LISTENED TO AN AMG FIRE UP WITHOUT EMOTION START? IT IS LIKE STANDING IN A GODDAMN LIBRARY WITH EARMUFFS ON.

ACTIVATING IT IS EASY. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PULL ONE OF THE PADDLE SHIFTERS TOWARD YOU (EITHER WILL DO), HOLD IT AND THEN PUSH THE STOP/START BUTTON. YOU WILL BE REWARDED WITH AN AFFALTERBACH BARK THAT RINGS THROUGH THE HILLS (OR THE QUIET LITTLE SUBURBIA WHERE YOU MOST LIKELY LIVE).

AFTER THAT, THOUGH, THE ENGINE QUIETS BACK DOWN AGAIN, WHICH IS LAME. IF YOU WANT IT TO KEEP BEING LOUD, YOU’LL HAVE TO MANUALLY PUSH THE SEPARATE EXHAUST BUTTON. I KNOW, A WHOLE SECOND BUTTON. THE FUCKING NERVE.

HERE IS THE EMOTION START IN ACTION.

DID YOU HEAR THAT MENACING AMG SNARL? IT WAS LOUD ENOUGH THAT I COULD FINALLY HEAR IT.

IF YOU OWN A NEW AMG, I SUGGEST YOU START UP EVERY MORNING IN THIS FASHION. EVEN THOUGH THE NEIGHBORS NEVER ASKED TO BE WOKEN UP THIS WAY, YOU KNOW IN YOUR SOUL IT IS WHAT THEY WANT. NOW WILL SOMEONE PLEASE ANSWER THAT DAMN PHONE????????