The man you see here is Mason James Cowgill, a former delivery driver in the UK who was just sentenced to eight months in prison for causing a crash while drinking on the job. North Yorkshire Police released the footage of Cowgill’s wild ride on Monday and I got to say, it would almost be impressive if it weren’t so incredibly dangerous for himself and everyone on the road.

Cowgill started off the trip in his work van by not only drinking, but drinking a previously unopened bottle of sparkling wine. So, number one, drinking and driving is horrifying, not to mention illegal and life-threatening behavior, but he opened the bottle of bubbly while driving. If you can think of a more difficult kind of booze to crack into while traveling at speed on busy roads, I’d like to hear it. Cowgill gave the briefest of glances at his employer’s in-cab recorder before tipping the bottle back. He didn’t even seem to enjoy the booze all that much, but he kept at it anyway.

Drinking and driving is incredibly serious, but Cowgill isn’t quite done. You don’t win a distracted driving triathlon by only completing one segment of stupidity. For his next event, Cowgill rolled his own cigarette while driving, filter and all, and then doesn’t even smoke it! It’s for later! Couldn’t rolling the cigarette also have waited for later? Apparently not.

Next, Cowgill completed his asshole hat trick by facetiming someone while his mom-style phone case flaps around. You can just make a phone call while focusing on the road, but nah, he’s the distracted driving champ after all. He stuck the landing with a little texting while driving before the footage cut off at the moment of impact with another vehicle. Cowgill’s employer checked that in-cab footage after the crash and caught Cowgill very much not behaving in a professional manner.

“Cowgill is lucky he did not kill or seriously injure someone that day,” Police Constable Babs Parsons said, according to “The manner in which he drove demonstrated a clear danger to other road users, and I’m amazed he did not cause any more collisions.”

No kidding. He did everything you’re not supposed to, in the most difficult manner imaginable. This is not a competition you want to win, folks. All it got Cowgill was unemployment, 8 months in prison and 32 months without a driver’s license.